Post Vacation Musings

Vacations are great.  I look forward to my 2 weeks in Michigan with family every year with a great deal of excitement.  I just got back and this year could have been like every year before it, but it wasn't.

You know how it goes, you arrive - "I've got plenty of time to see everyone and do all of these really cool things!"

Then it's 2 days before you leave - "How... what the.. How'd it even get this far into vacation and I haven't done x, y, z OR that coffee date with Suzy."

I live 1,200 miles from my immediate family.  My husband's family is just as far away.  We very much adore our lives here in (amazing) Colorado, but it can be challenging.  Only seeing family once a year - showing up every year and things are just a little different, a little older, just enough to be noticeable in subtle ways.  Sadness as you leave, realizing it's going to be 320 days before you can get another in person hug again.  Then, you get home and hit the ground running.

This year I decided to do my vacation a little differently, less sad and more joy.  As Brené Brown points out, a common human experience is to forebode joy.  We feel happy and as soon as we realize it, we back out of that great feeling - worried that it will quickly and possibly sadly come to an end.  Just having an awareness of this phenomena (which I am SUPER guilty of sliding into) has changed how I experience small joyful moments in my life.  Allowing those precious moments to last longer, taking a beat to recognize when I am in fact foreboding joy.  In general relaxing into the everyday joy of life, not trying to avoid the highs and lows of emotion.

I've been practicing recognizing when I forebode joy.  Then, vacation with my family was upon me.  I knew this was the time to really practice recognizing when I was foreboding joy and lean into the moment.  Those little moments that really show the kind of people I have in my family:

- On the back of Dad's motorcycle - dancing
- Driving to work with my Mom - just talking
- Going to the movies with my Brothers - just being kids
- Sitting on the back porch, sipping coffee
- Getting in the freezing pool even though it's freezing
- Chinese food - with my best friend
- Seeing everyone smile

This year, those tiny moments would feel joyful, then I would start to feel sad.  I paused, accepted the sadness and miraculously that sadness left and a wave of appreciation for the moment emerged.  I am so grateful for those little moments with my family, they make vacations feel safe, secure, loved.

The goal is to take this practice into my daily life, so by the time next year roles around I can start to amplify my joy.

Fear of Success

Anyone out there scared of success?

I know I am.  I spent an hour trying to come up with something to write about.  I decided a blog might be good to help direct people to this idea I had - habitstones.com.  A shameless plug, I know, but I think it's a cool idea and it doesn't cost me or you anything if you go....  It's not like I even have a following on, let's see, .... Monday, April 22, 2013 at 7:52 MST.

Anyway, back to this whole fear of success conundrum.  I'm not 100% sure where this fear comes from.  I guess that's not entirely true.  I am a middle class white female.  I have a comfortable life.  Short the 2.5 kids, I have everything I need - food, shelter, transportation, love, and (for the most part) mental stability.  My resources are even kind of nice. I love my home, my car is in great shape, I eat whatever I want (yay food), I am 50% of a healthy marriage, and I only go crazy a few days out of the month.

That being said, why mess with a great situation... When you read a lot of 'positive books'  (Positive Books Blog Post), for me at least, it brings about a lot of gratitude for my current situation.  Like I said, my resources are nice.  Positive books also urge you to do better, go for the dream.  Which, is really nice in theory.  But, it's damn scary.  What if I leave this life and it doesn't work out, what if it does?!?!!?  Eeeek!

One of the things that positive books make you contemplate is your dream, where you want to be in a year, five years, ten.... and honestly, what I envision is sitting on my parents back porch.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but it's not exactly grand.  If my parents didn't live 1500 miles away I would have that dream already.  If they lived 5 miles away, that probably wouldn't be a dream anymore....

Beyond the back porch dream, I think what I would like next is more experiences.  Traveling seems like an easy way to gain more experiences, but I would like to travel with my family and husband.  Maybe move my family closer to me.... hmm, that seems like a decent idea, a solid dream.

So, I have success that means I get my family, which would lead me to feel more comfortable starting my own little family.  I think that sounds like a plan.

Not too shabby.