Post Vacation Musings

Vacations are great.  I look forward to my 2 weeks in Michigan with family every year with a great deal of excitement.  I just got back and this year could have been like every year before it, but it wasn't.

You know how it goes, you arrive - "I've got plenty of time to see everyone and do all of these really cool things!"

Then it's 2 days before you leave - "How... what the.. How'd it even get this far into vacation and I haven't done x, y, z OR that coffee date with Suzy."

I live 1,200 miles from my immediate family.  My husband's family is just as far away.  We very much adore our lives here in (amazing) Colorado, but it can be challenging.  Only seeing family once a year - showing up every year and things are just a little different, a little older, just enough to be noticeable in subtle ways.  Sadness as you leave, realizing it's going to be 320 days before you can get another in person hug again.  Then, you get home and hit the ground running.

This year I decided to do my vacation a little differently, less sad and more joy.  As Brené Brown points out, a common human experience is to forebode joy.  We feel happy and as soon as we realize it, we back out of that great feeling - worried that it will quickly and possibly sadly come to an end.  Just having an awareness of this phenomena (which I am SUPER guilty of sliding into) has changed how I experience small joyful moments in my life.  Allowing those precious moments to last longer, taking a beat to recognize when I am in fact foreboding joy.  In general relaxing into the everyday joy of life, not trying to avoid the highs and lows of emotion.

I've been practicing recognizing when I forebode joy.  Then, vacation with my family was upon me.  I knew this was the time to really practice recognizing when I was foreboding joy and lean into the moment.  Those little moments that really show the kind of people I have in my family:

- On the back of Dad's motorcycle - dancing
- Driving to work with my Mom - just talking
- Going to the movies with my Brothers - just being kids
- Sitting on the back porch, sipping coffee
- Getting in the freezing pool even though it's freezing
- Chinese food - with my best friend
- Seeing everyone smile

This year, those tiny moments would feel joyful, then I would start to feel sad.  I paused, accepted the sadness and miraculously that sadness left and a wave of appreciation for the moment emerged.  I am so grateful for those little moments with my family, they make vacations feel safe, secure, loved.

The goal is to take this practice into my daily life, so by the time next year roles around I can start to amplify my joy.

The simplest rule to improve productivity - The One Minute Rule!

What can you do in 1 minute?

I read and adored Gretchin Rubin's The Happiness Project.  If you've not read it, I highly suggest it.  The book documents Gretchin's journey to up her happiness - through awareness and effort.  She did bunches and bunches of research and then mapped out one year of activities to take her base-level happiness (which was at a very healthy level) even higher.

One of the activities she created early in her year was her One Minute Rule - if you can do something in less than 1 minute - DO IT!  Don't put it off.  Gretchin started with making her bed, a keystone habit (great place to start doing research on habit formation, by the way) that propelled her onto doing small changes that made her life a bit happier.

I do my best to live with this rule in mind.  I am a natural procrastinator and clutter easily becomes background to me; I don't see clutter after 24 hours.  This small but profound shift can easily spark me on to more and more productivity.  This little trick is how I get the dishes done - "I can unload the dishwasher in 1 minute - do it!"  Then,  I will automatically load, BAM!  The dishes are done.

My home is a little bit cleaner, a bit neater.  Then, when it needs to be really straightened up  I don't spend twice as much time cleaning (throwing away paper plates, putting my 17 ga-gillion coffee cups in the sink, all the little things that get under your skin).  I get to start off in a bit easier place, avoiding a week's worth of small bothers - no clean forks, knowing where the remote is, finding clean underwear... you get the picture.

Added bonus - my husband hates clutter!  Keeping this rule in mind helps create a calmer space for the man in my home who I happen to really like.  He notices that things are tidier and he's happier, more willing to do small household chores.  Win-win.

List a bunch of activities you can do in 1 minute.  Keep this list in an easy place and use it to take care of little things.  I suggest the front screen of your smart phone.  Every time you open your phone and waste time, you have the reminder (and option) to accomplish a small productive task.

Ask 5 people - "What are my gifts?"

I enrolled in Marie Forleo's BSchool.  It was/is a marvelous, ridiculous, hella hard experience, but worth every moment.  EVERY MOMENT.

One of the exercises was to ask 25 people to describe what your gifts are.  TWENTY-FIVE!  I set up a SurveyMonkey and sent out 25 terrifying emails asking for three words that describe me/my gifts.  These 3 words didn't have to be 'positive' or 'nice.'  They had to be authentic and accurate.  I took the top 5 words and let them inform my decisions as I worked through BSchool.

The response wasn't 100%, but the answers were amazing, authentic, and breath-taking.  I couldn't believe some of the responses that were given.  It brought me to tears.  AND to top it all off - 5 people responded in under 10 minutes.  People were chomping at the bit to tell me what they thought of me.  It was a liberating experience.  It brought me up - even higher - than I already was.  Setting a benchmark that I wasn't even aware of for self-awareness and self-love.

I challenge you to do the same.  You can even start with 5 people, ask - "What are my gifts?"

Just a short note!

I just realized that by focusing on Coaching that my other business is expanding in the direction I wanted with little effort on my part.

Have I finally learned detachment?  More than likely, I have simply been less obsessive.

Either way, I just wanted to let the world know that because I have been focusing on Coaching, my other business (which also facilitates growth, but for a very small and specific niche) is growing and I sent out my first email blast for an upcoming workshop I am hosting and booked another, without killing myself.

This feels very natural and easy.  I think this is what I am striving to achieve with Coaching.  Maybe I can learn a lesson from myself and work on letting things be without stressing.... we'll see how that goes....

Thanks Universe, you're keeping this girl pretty happy!!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of those overly simplified topics.  As if forgiveness were easy and as soon as you mastered it, you sprout a halo and a choir follows you everywhere you go, singing of your humble nature.

Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a quality to strive for, but we often "give away" forgiveness, when we should keep it. What I mean is, it is easy (read easier) to run around and forgive others their transgressions against us and totally ignore our need to forgive ourselves.  We are the only species in the world that holds onto our own mistakes and dwells on them. My cat certainly doesn't beat himself up for his goofs as a kitten....why then do I belabor my childhood wrongs?!

Self-forgiveness is a far harder characteristic to develop than we realize. It is only when we get honest about the things we haven't forgiven ourselves for that we can truly forgive others.  (And finally get that schnazy choir to follow us around.)

I suggest that we be selfish about forgiveness for a while. Spend that currency on ourselves. Over indulge, go buck wild. See how light it feels to spend some energy on ourselves, letting some of that baggage go.

Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect.

Book Club

I have always wanted to be involved in a book club, but I've never done it.  For a multitude of reasons, but mostly because I don't really want to discuss my Self Improvement books with people.  My impression of book clubs, which I assume to be much like my AP Lit class in High School, make mediocre details into a big deal and kill things.  Due to this preconceived notion, I've never pursued joining a book club.

Granted, not everything is "High School 2.0" as one of my good friends would say.  However, I hate when I have one of those blinding moments of clarity and the person I tell about it, just doesn't get it.  I want to discuss and expand my perception of it all.  I want a safe place to put down my thoughts and hear other people's understandings.

Ya know, I always feel silly when I finally change my thought from "Someone should do that, I'd totally get in on it!" to "I'm going to do it for me.  Maybe someone else can get something out of it too."  Once I have that realization I'm amazed I didn't know it sooner.

I created a Book Club.  I'm using Facebook as a platform at the moment.  Maybe it will work, maybe it wont.  All I know is, "I'm doing this for me.  Maybe someone else can get something out of it too."

Self Improvement Musing's Book Club

Self Care

I feel silly, but I am debating on whether or not to take a summer college course for fun.  Not a serious, Philosophy and the Northern Gnat Fly or anything.  Maybe a ceramics or art class.  A photography course would be neat - I love to scrapbook, but I never have enough photos!

Here's the dilemma  if I take a course, even if it's not for credit I would be giving up the opportunity to pick up freelance jobs. Plus, I know I will be out and about for most of July, so it seems irresponsible to be gone for so much of the course.

However, other than the copious amounts of tv I watch, I rarely do something long term for myself.  Plus, I've never taken a class for non-credit.  The money (less than $100) is a non-issue because I feel like the enjoyment I get from it would make up for it, but the opportunity cost for other work is high.  The classes are in the middle of the day.

I should go and talk to the professor and my husband, get their input.

I think I might see if I can take it as an observation, then I can play without being a hindrance to the teacher..... I guess I want to do this more than I realized.

Self care is one of those things that everyone harps on in my field, but no one ever does.  It's one of the reasons I try and read for pleasure, just to distance myself from my work.  I wonder what others do to take care of themselves....

Fear of Success

Anyone out there scared of success?

I know I am.  I spent an hour trying to come up with something to write about.  I decided a blog might be good to help direct people to this idea I had - habitstones.com.  A shameless plug, I know, but I think it's a cool idea and it doesn't cost me or you anything if you go....  It's not like I even have a following on, let's see, .... Monday, April 22, 2013 at 7:52 MST.

Anyway, back to this whole fear of success conundrum.  I'm not 100% sure where this fear comes from.  I guess that's not entirely true.  I am a middle class white female.  I have a comfortable life.  Short the 2.5 kids, I have everything I need - food, shelter, transportation, love, and (for the most part) mental stability.  My resources are even kind of nice. I love my home, my car is in great shape, I eat whatever I want (yay food), I am 50% of a healthy marriage, and I only go crazy a few days out of the month.

That being said, why mess with a great situation... When you read a lot of 'positive books'  (Positive Books Blog Post), for me at least, it brings about a lot of gratitude for my current situation.  Like I said, my resources are nice.  Positive books also urge you to do better, go for the dream.  Which, is really nice in theory.  But, it's damn scary.  What if I leave this life and it doesn't work out, what if it does?!?!!?  Eeeek!

One of the things that positive books make you contemplate is your dream, where you want to be in a year, five years, ten.... and honestly, what I envision is sitting on my parents back porch.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but it's not exactly grand.  If my parents didn't live 1500 miles away I would have that dream already.  If they lived 5 miles away, that probably wouldn't be a dream anymore....

Beyond the back porch dream, I think what I would like next is more experiences.  Traveling seems like an easy way to gain more experiences, but I would like to travel with my family and husband.  Maybe move my family closer to me.... hmm, that seems like a decent idea, a solid dream.

So, I have success that means I get my family, which would lead me to feel more comfortable starting my own little family.  I think that sounds like a plan.

Not too shabby.

Habit Stones

After much reading, I stumbled across Charles Duhigg's book The Power of Habit: why we do what we do in life and business.  This book fascinated me, who knew that most things in life are just habits....that are created without our knowledge?

I already know I am a visual person, if I don't see it... it doesn't exist in my world.  That's why my toothbrush and hairbrush sit out on the counter, so I can see them and say, "Gee, I should do that!"  I started kicking around ideas on how to make habits I wanted to form visual and give myself an easy reward to make the habit stick.

Then, a good friend of mind bought a house.  I was standing in the shower trying to come up with a thoughtful gift when I started to think how lucky she was.  She was in a brand new place with all new surroundings, so the visual stimulus to perform old habits was gone.  She could create all new habits in her home much easier than I could....

Then, it hit me.  Habit Stones.  If she had little jars filled with rocks, she could place these jars near a new habit she wanted to start.  Let's say the backdoor to remind her to water the new flowers she'd planted.  The jars stick out, not in a bad way, but they are different from her back door mat.  Once she sees the jars, it reminds her to water the plants.  Once she waters the plants, she can move one stone into her empty jar.

That little reward of moving the stone, will be enough to help her create a habit that could be in place for the rest of her life.  By the time she moved all the stones (maybe 50 of them) her habit would be set, she wouldn't need to move the stones, she would start to water the plants automatically.

I wanted to share this with the world, my brilliant scheme, so I created a website - habitstones.com where there are directions on how to make your own, or purchase one from me!

Creating new habits is key to improving your life.  What habit would you like to create?!