Relax into it.

What does all of this struggle and frustration teach me? Big question, little answer.

I am putting on a $10,000 event. It's kind of a huge deal. I'm bringing in a presenter team that is known around the country for their work in my field and for their work as spiritual growth leaders for my profession. I pursued them for a year and a half.

I got them. They're coming in October. And I have never been so frustrated in my entire life. It feels like one frustration after another has come up and I'm doing my very best not to burn this bridge (burning bridges is my superpower) and keep a cool head. I'm in this path of trying to find personal growth, a dose of enlightenment. And it's been killing me that I keep running into road blocks.

I keep catching glimpses of the lessons I'm meant to learn... "don't rush it" "keep the big picture in mind" "Breathing is necessary."

Then, I was listening to Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love  and he's basically talking about re-framing your experiences and he says, “What if this was a gift? What if this is necessary what if actually all this crazy stuff going on is an answer to my deepest prayer?”

That hit home for me in a big way. I've been trying to keep all of the things I've learned in the forefront of my mind. I've told several people, "I can't wait to do the next one, I've learned so much!" However, I'm not sure I'd gotten to the point of "THIS whole experience is meant to fall out this way. Relax into it."

That's my simple answer - relax into it. The thing is, I come to this same answer over and over and over and over and over again. But, each time I go a little deeper, understand it a teensy bit more than the time before. Sometimes that answer will flat out blindside me. It is, however, forward motion.

So, what experience can you relax into?

Ask 5 people - "What are my gifts?"

I enrolled in Marie Forleo's BSchool.  It was/is a marvelous, ridiculous, hella hard experience, but worth every moment.  EVERY MOMENT.

One of the exercises was to ask 25 people to describe what your gifts are.  TWENTY-FIVE!  I set up a SurveyMonkey and sent out 25 terrifying emails asking for three words that describe me/my gifts.  These 3 words didn't have to be 'positive' or 'nice.'  They had to be authentic and accurate.  I took the top 5 words and let them inform my decisions as I worked through BSchool.

The response wasn't 100%, but the answers were amazing, authentic, and breath-taking.  I couldn't believe some of the responses that were given.  It brought me to tears.  AND to top it all off - 5 people responded in under 10 minutes.  People were chomping at the bit to tell me what they thought of me.  It was a liberating experience.  It brought me up - even higher - than I already was.  Setting a benchmark that I wasn't even aware of for self-awareness and self-love.

I challenge you to do the same.  You can even start with 5 people, ask - "What are my gifts?"

Thoughts for Sunday Morning

I was invited to one of my closest friend's Baby Dedication this morning.  I wanted to go for her, but I didn't want to go because I enjoy my leisurely Sunday mornings, I tend to get a lot of work or fun done.

I missed it.  I missed it because I wasn't paying attention (and maybe my subconcious orchestrated the leisurely Sunday I was hoping for....).  I relied on my phone to update with Daylight Savings Time and for whatever reason it did not.  Now, I feel like a real jerk.  Like, A HUGE JERK.  I missed something that was important for a person who is important in my life.

I paced around the house swearing up a streak as I realized it was 10:30 and not 9:30, so the event had started over half an hour ago.....

I stopped myself and said, "That's it.  You will explain what happened to your friend, she will be hurt, but will understand and forgive you.  Work on forgiving yourself."

I walked to my husband, kissed him and silently apologized for angry ranting for the past 10 minutes, made breakfast, and sat down with Super Soul Sunday - looking for some inspiration.

As always, I found it almost instantly and here are the notes I wrote in my journal from this morning.

March 9, 2014

"Reserve your energy for your highest and best use."  - Bishop T.D. Jakes

Breathe in the discomfort, allow it to be.  Don't judge it, recognize it and acknowledge it.  Be grateful for the experience, it is leading you to the next step.  - Self Talk

"Contracted Awareness

 Expanded Awareness   ->  ME, some of the time

 Pure Awareness"   - Deepak Chopra

"We are star dust."  - Deepak Chopra

"The space between thoughts is the soul.  Turn inward and bring your awareness to the 'listener' - that is the soul."  - Deepak Chopra

"We live in a culture of scarcity."  - Brene Brown

"I am enough."  - Brene Brown

Learning to drop my 20 ton shield has transformed my marriage, it's a practice.  Thank you.  - Self Talk

"Faking it is contagious."  - Brene Brown

"When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. [...] We dress rehearse tragedy, so we can beat vulnerability to the punch."  - Brene Brown

"Gratitude is a practice, not an attitude"  - Brene Brown

Ask your husband what you do when he thinks you are in uncertainty. - Question posed.

My journal is written with multi-colored pens,  I think it helps me focus on each point as it comes to me and inspires me.  I think today was a message and practice of self-love and forgiveness.  I messed up, yes, but I used my time to create more joy and understanding in my life.  

I choose (even though it's super hard at the moment) to let it go and use my day to best serve my goals.

Blogging is hard ;)

So, I struggle with doing much on a regular basis.  Blogging not excluded.

Then I realized that one of the blogs I follow (Gretchen Rubin) sometimes has lengthy updates and SOMETIMES, it's not much longer than a Facebook post....

Here it goes, Facebook sized:

I am super excited about my upcoming conference in October.  I also just wrapped up my first book club and I know what book to do next (authored by the talented Gretchen Rubin, btw), I am always surprised by how easy and hard my marriage is, and last but not least.... The eCourse I am taking hosted by Brene Brown and Oprah is kicking my butt and making me take notice of more in my life.  I am pleased :)

Just a short note!

I just realized that by focusing on Coaching that my other business is expanding in the direction I wanted with little effort on my part.

Have I finally learned detachment?  More than likely, I have simply been less obsessive.

Either way, I just wanted to let the world know that because I have been focusing on Coaching, my other business (which also facilitates growth, but for a very small and specific niche) is growing and I sent out my first email blast for an upcoming workshop I am hosting and booked another, without killing myself.

This feels very natural and easy.  I think this is what I am striving to achieve with Coaching.  Maybe I can learn a lesson from myself and work on letting things be without stressing.... we'll see how that goes....

Thanks Universe, you're keeping this girl pretty happy!!

Letting Others Influence Your Experience...

Stopping other people from influencing your experience is pretty darn hard.  In my path to figuring out life and how I want to live it, I decided pretty early on, that other people and their negative behaviors/attitudes/worldview/you name it, was going to have less impact on me.  Just setting that intention has allowed the little things that others do, more easily slide off my back.

I want to be that spiritual duck, everything runs off my back. It passes over me, touching me, but not ruffling my down.  Yea know, spiritual duck.

Because of my diligence in this area I find that traffic doesn't bother me much anymore, I don't feel impatient with slow people in front of me, I don't feed into strangers bad moods by adding fodder to their negativity cannon, and other such things that have made my day-to-day life a little brighter.

Lets jump ahead to earlier this week.  As part of my journey, I have signed up for some life coaching classes, where I learn different tips and tricks to be an effective life coach.  I am pretty excited about it, I get to be surrounded (over the phone) by people of a similar mind set. Other spiritual ducks in training if you will.

So, imagine my surprise when one of my fellow spiritual ducks is a total dud!  He has openly told the wonderful woman running the class that "Well, to be honest, I didn't really learn anything new today."  First of all, there's a difference between an honest comment and an 'honest' comment that aims to attack and belittle.

Without even realizing it, I have been berating this person off and on all day.  I just can't believe someone would speak that way in front of others.  Then I think, in my haughty spiritual duck tone, "Well, that person must have some pretty serious issues to work through!"

HELLO! I am gossiping about this guy, to myself and letting him mess with me.  That's crazy!

"Gossip is black magic at its very worst because it is pure poison" p.37, Ch. 2 - The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

I poisoned myself and am waiting for him to feel the anguish of being poisoned.  Crazy.

All I can do is try and let it go.  What I should do (with my amazing mind powers) is send him some positive vibes..... done.  Now to see if I can maintain that.

Skewed Self Perception

I am not 100% sure what it is that I see in my minds eye when I think of myself.  I'm probably about 16 if I'm being honest, with different snap shots of myself blurred on top of it....

This internal perception of myself I know is off.  Here's why I know this to be a f.a.c.t.  I will sometime do a double take of others' pictures and wonder if that's a picture of myself.  Upon closer inspection, I realize that the picture is not of me and actually emphasizes one of the areas of my personal appearance that I dislike - acne, weight, posture, bad teeth, etc.

I did that just the other day.  I was on a Facebook page and they had a collage of members, I saw a picture of someone with glasses and crooked teeth.  The first thing I thought was, "Where did that picture of me come from and WHY is it on some random Facebook page?!"

It wasn't me, it was a nice picture of one of the page admins and their child.  I was so worried someone would see my crooked smile, I completely missed the child in the photo.

Here's the real kicker.  I haven't had a crooked smile in almost ten years.  However, the self-conscious 16 year old that lives in my mind is still stuck on that aspect of her appearance.  I am sure I have been doing these double takes my whole life, but it wasn't until recently that I actively started to notice what I was doing.

How do you heal that?!  Is it simply a matter of recognizing it so that way it will disappear?  I'm not sure, so this is what I did:

1.  I told myself that it wasn't me and it was OK that I thought it was, I am safe.
2.  I told that admin that she was beautiful (via my amazing mind powers) and applauded her courage to smile.
3.  I reminded myself again that it was OK for me to smile now and as a 16 year old girl.
4.  I smiled.  Like, really smiled at the amazing way my mind works to bring me to awareness.
5.  I took a drink of coffee, loved on my cat, and moved on.

I think that is a pretty good place to start.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of those overly simplified topics.  As if forgiveness were easy and as soon as you mastered it, you sprout a halo and a choir follows you everywhere you go, singing of your humble nature.

Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a quality to strive for, but we often "give away" forgiveness, when we should keep it. What I mean is, it is easy (read easier) to run around and forgive others their transgressions against us and totally ignore our need to forgive ourselves.  We are the only species in the world that holds onto our own mistakes and dwells on them. My cat certainly doesn't beat himself up for his goofs as a kitten....why then do I belabor my childhood wrongs?!

Self-forgiveness is a far harder characteristic to develop than we realize. It is only when we get honest about the things we haven't forgiven ourselves for that we can truly forgive others.  (And finally get that schnazy choir to follow us around.)

I suggest that we be selfish about forgiveness for a while. Spend that currency on ourselves. Over indulge, go buck wild. See how light it feels to spend some energy on ourselves, letting some of that baggage go.

Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect.

Incremental Change

When I decide I want change in my life it usually comes with the tag of "like, yesterday!"  Example - "I want better posture, like, yesterday!"

I know this mindset is not totally unique to me.  Lots of people suffer like I do, especially in our day and age with instant gratification machines (AKA the internet connected computer).  Which leads to the following cycle:

"OOooohhh, change" → Unrealistic Goal for change (yesterday) → disappointment → "Never gonna change, why bother?" → "OOooohhh, change"

Sounds familiar, right?!  Well, here's my small little glimmer of hope.

My neighbor is going to school for message therapy, which means she gets homework.  This homework means she needs to work on someone to practice the new techniques she is learining.  I've been lucky to be one of her test subjects.  I get so excited for these free messages because they are not your typical relaxation message, she's learning how to retrain the patient's muscles.  She ends up talking through what she's doing with me so I learn an awful lot about my body's muscular and skeletal system.  It is really cool stuff!

Did I mention my upper body/arms are a wreck?!

I saw her in early November and we talked about posture.  My posture was atrocious.  We talked about it and she told me two things - 1. When you think about putting yourself in 'good' posture, don't raise your chin, push it back.  It will change how your spine and shoulders align.  2.  Make sure when you walk, you're not leaning forward.

Got it.  We also talked about my goal cycle, she laughed and said off hand, "Yea, I get that.  It's watching my kids that I remember to be as gentle with myself as I am with them about good habits."

Now, I know this isn't the first time I've heard such sage advice - stick with it and be gentle.  But man did it hit me that day.  So, for about 2 weeks I remembered to realign my chin while driving in the car.  After that, it was more about implementing 'good' posture when I thought about it.

I saw her 2 days ago and she couldn't get over how much my posture had changed.  I laughed because I knew it was better, but I didn't realize by how much.  Just trying over and over and being unattached to the outcome (I've tried to fix my posture before, so if I failed, oh well, nothing new) allowed me to keep with my little consistent change.  My posture is by no means perfect, but I find myself subconsciously aligning myself all day, especially while seated in front of a screen.

So today, I found myself leaning forward as I walked.  I self-corrected as soon as I recognized it without consciously realizing it.  I laughed to myself.  Change, when not setup to fail, really is possible!

Little Perception Changes

A Course in Miracles says a miracle is "a shift in perception." These little miracles happen all the time, if only we pay attention so that we can see them.

I had a change in perception the other day. I had decided to take an eCourse. This course requires an art journal. I've never had one of those before, but knowing the paper weight requirements, I went to two different art supply stores with my coupon in hand. I could envision what I wanted. I was ready to spend my $20. Except, I couldn't find my art journal!

I had plenty of options, but none of them fit what I wanted. I was close to settling several times. I stopped myself, "I know what I want! Don't settle, you will find it!"

During all of this I was framing some pictures for our home and I needed to have a few blown up.  While picking up these (fabulous) pictures, I decided to poke around and see if I could find the art journal I was looking for.  I didn't feel like I would find it, but I knew to look.

Sure enough, I found exactly what I was looking for!  I checked the price and low and behold it was cheaper than what I would have paid at the art supply store with my coupon.

I smiled and said a little "thank you" out into the universe.  

As I checked out, the art journal was half of what I thought it was!  How exciting!! That's a 75% or more savings, which made me a little giddy!

It was at that point, in my car with my big geeky smile, I realized that this is my 'miracle.'  Instead of taking this experience for granted, I stopped and really appreciated it.  These little moments happen to me all the time and the more I recognize them and appreciate them, the better my days, weeks, and moths go.

(The picture turned out really nice as well!)

Vision Board

Have you tried making a vision board?  It's harder than you'd think.  I made one in late 2012, while reading some great books about what visualization can do for your dreams.

I went to the library and grabbed a couple of magazines from the free/swap bins and came home ready to cut and glue my way to success.  First, magazines are full of junk.  Lots of advertisements that only sport logos and lots of text.  Don't these people know I am trying to create my dreams here?!  Second, glue sticks dry out... quickly.  Third, it's hard to put your dreams into a visual format when you're not super clear on what they are.

Nevertheless, I created something.  I proudly displayed it next to my desk.  I was well on my way to greatness!! 

Well, vision boards don't really work if you only make them.  It didn't help that I put it on my magnet board and almost immediately covered it up with other bits and pieces.  Now, if that's not my subconscious speaking, I'm not sure what is.  I was unclear on what I really wanted and I couldn't even place that fuzzy dream ahead of to-do lists.

Over a year later, I am talking with my good friend Teresa Powers and she shares that she was planning to do a vision board workshop.  "They don't work unless you do the self analysis first.  Vision boards aren't just pictures and glue sticks."

Needless to say, I jumped at the chance to take her workshop.  That workshop was.... AMAZING.  We did self analysis, guided visualizations, identified strengths and weaknesses, created action steps, and brought some awareness to mental blocks.  Only after doing all of that, did we start looking into creating a visual representation of the dream we were trying to clarify.

We also discussed why vision boards aren't magic.  They do not go out and do the work for you.  They do not grow legs and kick you in the behind when you're not going after what you want.  Vision boards are a great tool.  But, that's the key, they are only a tool.  Tools require an operator.

They also require energy, effort, and meditation.  I put a great deal of energy into mine and I look at it everyday.  I put away my old vision board, cleared the clutter from where my vision board was supposed to go, and even got it framed.  Now, nothing sits in front of it and it makes me smile every time I see it.  However, I have yet to really start meditating and visualizing with it.  That might just have to change today.

Here she is in all her glory.  What does yours look like?

What if Money Were No Object?

This is blatantly stolen from UpWorthy.

I think it's pretty awesome.

Alan Watts - What if Money Were No Object?  NorthStarNetworker.com

Book Club

I have always wanted to be involved in a book club, but I've never done it.  For a multitude of reasons, but mostly because I don't really want to discuss my Self Improvement books with people.  My impression of book clubs, which I assume to be much like my AP Lit class in High School, make mediocre details into a big deal and kill things.  Due to this preconceived notion, I've never pursued joining a book club.

Granted, not everything is "High School 2.0" as one of my good friends would say.  However, I hate when I have one of those blinding moments of clarity and the person I tell about it, just doesn't get it.  I want to discuss and expand my perception of it all.  I want a safe place to put down my thoughts and hear other people's understandings.

Ya know, I always feel silly when I finally change my thought from "Someone should do that, I'd totally get in on it!" to "I'm going to do it for me.  Maybe someone else can get something out of it too."  Once I have that realization I'm amazed I didn't know it sooner.

I created a Book Club.  I'm using Facebook as a platform at the moment.  Maybe it will work, maybe it wont.  All I know is, "I'm doing this for me.  Maybe someone else can get something out of it too."

Self Improvement Musing's Book Club

"Turn Around"

I had a light bulb moment in 2012.  I took this class.  It was 5 weeks long, with a teacher that had traveled the world, there were about 10 students.  On the first day the teacher said, "This class is intense.  It changes people.  SO, if you're not ready, withdraw.  Don't fight it.  When you're ready, you'll be in the class."

That's quite the disclaimer.  Well, it was true.

This class changed my life.  We did many exercises that helped me realize that what I wanted in life, was not present.  The class focused on making your goals align with your work.

I have always been the one who will be on the front line.  Fighting, fighting everything.  I was miserable at my job.  I was fighting the injustice of what was happening, every.day. Always fighting a battle I knew I couldn't conquer.  I was tired, burnt out, grieving what my job should have been (I didn't realize that until later), beating my head against the wall.  All day, everyday, without fail... killing myself.

Then, one day in class we were discussing our careers.  A couple people realized that their unhappiness at work was their own doing and their goals matched up with their career.  Some of us weren't as lucky.  One of the students who was in alignment with her goals and career said this:

"I used to beat my head against a wall.  So focused on what I was doing, I never realized I could turn around and take a different path and arrive where I wanted to go."

It was at this moment that I yelled, "TURN AROUND! OH MY GOD, I CAN JUST TURN AROUND!!"  I didn't realize I was yelling, but my light bulb not only went off, it lit the room.

A few months later, after finding some peace, I was forced to 'Turn Around' and move on from that job (read: I got fired, oops).  I've had several 'Turn Around' moments in my life.  Keeping that option open to my consciousness is a struggle, but maybe by releasing this energy and story, it can come back around to me more often.

Leading to Wholeness

I found my year's theme through a letter to myself, it is written out here.

"I get in random funks.  I think the world, my world (read my relationships) is unhappy and judging me.  It's exhausting.  I try to keep calm, not take it personally, all the things I know I should do.  It doesn't work as much as I'd like it to.  it's gotten better, but I'm impatient.  I want that elusive dream.  I have the misconception that once "it" is obtained there will be no more fear.  Then, over and over again, I realized I'm functioning out of fear.  Most of the time, instead of being that bright moment where I re-align myself, I just want to give up!

Ah, to be dumb!!  To go back to being happy due to my huge blind spots.  To get mad, find a solution, and move on.  NOW, I realize that my 'solution' is a band-aid and what I'm truly mad about is my lack of control, one more face of fear.  Oh to be unaware.

All of this self-discovery, "doing the work" is .... terrifying!  Why?  Why does it have to be so damn hard?  Where's my bliss moment, the sky opens up and rains answers??  Then, I think, "Stop trying.  Read a silly book, watch TV.  numb (as Brene Brown would say)  It's hard.  If you evolve too much you'll loose your comfy life.  Eeek! Go grab a snack!"

Then, a glimmer shows up.  I hear something like Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) tell Oprah, "Whatever's in your head is your mantra... maybe you should change your mantra!"  The thought, "I am whole" crosses my mind.  I think "I am whole" is a wonderful mantra.  Remembering to keep an dmaintain my new mantra will be challenging, but maybe it's enough to keep me on the path.

Maybe."

No direction leads to more of the same

I am a strong believer in "what you think about, you bring about."

Basically, the more you think about something, the more it shows itself in your life.

In my life that means, for the last... oh I don't know.... six months, I have felt lost.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life, I love what I do and the fact that I can watch as much TV as I want is pretty spectacular.

However, the more I thought about not knowing what to do has lead to more feelings of the same.  I decided to read more on the law of attraction/love, positive thinking, meditation, etc.  All the stuff you're supposed to do and care about as an enlightened person.  It's fun, I enjoy my library and the fact that Colorado is a pretty hip place with a wide selection of "positive books" as I call them.  I still feel/felt lost, if not much happier to be in such a lost place.  The audio books I have listened to have turned my drive time, which I have a lot of, into times of reflection and learning.  It's awesome, you should try it.

What do you do with all this knowledge?  I thought about writing a book about the books I've read.  A book about books sounds pretty cool to me, but I'm so easily distracted.  My 'book'  has about 5 pages and 16 chapters with nothing but rambling on a word doc on my desktop.  I even borrowed a book on writing books from the Library.  It wasn't bad, but it didn't capture my attention, which was both ironic and kind of sad.

So, I decided my new dream was to be successful enough to move my family so that they are closer to me so that way I can start my own family.  How does one do that exactly?  Become more successful?  Do you peddle ideas like mine (Habit Stones), do you write a book, do you play the stock market, buy homes and become a landlord, play the lottery???  I know for a fact working some job you hate wont get you there, because I did that for a short period of time and hated everything, ever.  Can you think it into being?

I've read a lot that says you can in fact think it into being.  "It" being success and wealth and such.  Which leads me back to clearing up the mind clutter I got going on.  Any thoughts or tips blog-o-sphere world and/or universe?!  I'm pretty sure it doesn't get fixed by watching more tv... folding laundry might help (as the dryer alarm goes off....again).

Maybe it is as simple as deciding that you/I have direction. Hmmm, "I have direction."  Just saying it in my head made me smile.  Maybe that's what I will try next.