Ask 5 people - "What are my gifts?"

I enrolled in Marie Forleo's BSchool.  It was/is a marvelous, ridiculous, hella hard experience, but worth every moment.  EVERY MOMENT.

One of the exercises was to ask 25 people to describe what your gifts are.  TWENTY-FIVE!  I set up a SurveyMonkey and sent out 25 terrifying emails asking for three words that describe me/my gifts.  These 3 words didn't have to be 'positive' or 'nice.'  They had to be authentic and accurate.  I took the top 5 words and let them inform my decisions as I worked through BSchool.

The response wasn't 100%, but the answers were amazing, authentic, and breath-taking.  I couldn't believe some of the responses that were given.  It brought me to tears.  AND to top it all off - 5 people responded in under 10 minutes.  People were chomping at the bit to tell me what they thought of me.  It was a liberating experience.  It brought me up - even higher - than I already was.  Setting a benchmark that I wasn't even aware of for self-awareness and self-love.

I challenge you to do the same.  You can even start with 5 people, ask - "What are my gifts?"

Where do you feel safe?

This is such an interesting question to me because it means to me the feeling of security.  That overwhelming sense of 'ok' to me.  How do I find that feeling of safe...

That feeling of safe starts in the top of my stomach and it radiates out.  It reaches into my limbs and finally into my face.  My body/muscles relax and I feel heavier and lighter all at the same time.  My jaw is the last place in my body to relax.  I know that I am in a good place when I can feel my jaw relax.  That's usually followed promptly by a yawn (one of the ways the body releases pent up energy). 

If I'm not paying attention a funny thing happens.  I start the process of feeling safe -but the feeling never fully manifests in me.  I feel relaxed, but not completely.  There's a current of unease that doesn't go away and I'm not even aware of it, but I find myself thinking about all the problems of my world - family troubles, a friend's love life, etc.  My mind gets away from me and I don't fully realize it until I feel  my body tense up.  Then, I have to start all over again.

I know this is a common experience.  So, as I begin the process of self-awareness I catch this last drop of safety (a relaxed jaw) being held out of reach and then I decide - let it happen. I let it drop, my jaw relaxes, I yawn - I am safe.

I used to find this safety only at home.  Now, the more I practice finding a safe feeling, I can do it in other places.  Now, I can find that safety in the car after a long day, stressful experience, or when I'm hot because the inside of my car is a jillion degrees and there's frozen food in my trunk.  I can find it while I'm working if the subject matter is getting at my subconscious. It's a practice - feel safe.

Where do you feel safe? What does that feel like?

Skewed Self Perception

I am not 100% sure what it is that I see in my minds eye when I think of myself.  I'm probably about 16 if I'm being honest, with different snap shots of myself blurred on top of it....

This internal perception of myself I know is off.  Here's why I know this to be a f.a.c.t.  I will sometime do a double take of others' pictures and wonder if that's a picture of myself.  Upon closer inspection, I realize that the picture is not of me and actually emphasizes one of the areas of my personal appearance that I dislike - acne, weight, posture, bad teeth, etc.

I did that just the other day.  I was on a Facebook page and they had a collage of members, I saw a picture of someone with glasses and crooked teeth.  The first thing I thought was, "Where did that picture of me come from and WHY is it on some random Facebook page?!"

It wasn't me, it was a nice picture of one of the page admins and their child.  I was so worried someone would see my crooked smile, I completely missed the child in the photo.

Here's the real kicker.  I haven't had a crooked smile in almost ten years.  However, the self-conscious 16 year old that lives in my mind is still stuck on that aspect of her appearance.  I am sure I have been doing these double takes my whole life, but it wasn't until recently that I actively started to notice what I was doing.

How do you heal that?!  Is it simply a matter of recognizing it so that way it will disappear?  I'm not sure, so this is what I did:

1.  I told myself that it wasn't me and it was OK that I thought it was, I am safe.
2.  I told that admin that she was beautiful (via my amazing mind powers) and applauded her courage to smile.
3.  I reminded myself again that it was OK for me to smile now and as a 16 year old girl.
4.  I smiled.  Like, really smiled at the amazing way my mind works to bring me to awareness.
5.  I took a drink of coffee, loved on my cat, and moved on.

I think that is a pretty good place to start.