Leading to Wholeness

I found my year's theme through a letter to myself, it is written out here.

"I get in random funks.  I think the world, my world (read my relationships) is unhappy and judging me.  It's exhausting.  I try to keep calm, not take it personally, all the things I know I should do.  It doesn't work as much as I'd like it to.  it's gotten better, but I'm impatient.  I want that elusive dream.  I have the misconception that once "it" is obtained there will be no more fear.  Then, over and over again, I realized I'm functioning out of fear.  Most of the time, instead of being that bright moment where I re-align myself, I just want to give up!

Ah, to be dumb!!  To go back to being happy due to my huge blind spots.  To get mad, find a solution, and move on.  NOW, I realize that my 'solution' is a band-aid and what I'm truly mad about is my lack of control, one more face of fear.  Oh to be unaware.

All of this self-discovery, "doing the work" is .... terrifying!  Why?  Why does it have to be so damn hard?  Where's my bliss moment, the sky opens up and rains answers??  Then, I think, "Stop trying.  Read a silly book, watch TV.  numb (as Brene Brown would say)  It's hard.  If you evolve too much you'll loose your comfy life.  Eeek! Go grab a snack!"

Then, a glimmer shows up.  I hear something like Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) tell Oprah, "Whatever's in your head is your mantra... maybe you should change your mantra!"  The thought, "I am whole" crosses my mind.  I think "I am whole" is a wonderful mantra.  Remembering to keep an dmaintain my new mantra will be challenging, but maybe it's enough to keep me on the path.

Maybe."