Thoughts for Sunday Morning

I was invited to one of my closest friend's Baby Dedication this morning.  I wanted to go for her, but I didn't want to go because I enjoy my leisurely Sunday mornings, I tend to get a lot of work or fun done.

I missed it.  I missed it because I wasn't paying attention (and maybe my subconcious orchestrated the leisurely Sunday I was hoping for....).  I relied on my phone to update with Daylight Savings Time and for whatever reason it did not.  Now, I feel like a real jerk.  Like, A HUGE JERK.  I missed something that was important for a person who is important in my life.

I paced around the house swearing up a streak as I realized it was 10:30 and not 9:30, so the event had started over half an hour ago.....

I stopped myself and said, "That's it.  You will explain what happened to your friend, she will be hurt, but will understand and forgive you.  Work on forgiving yourself."

I walked to my husband, kissed him and silently apologized for angry ranting for the past 10 minutes, made breakfast, and sat down with Super Soul Sunday - looking for some inspiration.

As always, I found it almost instantly and here are the notes I wrote in my journal from this morning.

March 9, 2014

"Reserve your energy for your highest and best use."  - Bishop T.D. Jakes

Breathe in the discomfort, allow it to be.  Don't judge it, recognize it and acknowledge it.  Be grateful for the experience, it is leading you to the next step.  - Self Talk

"Contracted Awareness

 Expanded Awareness   ->  ME, some of the time

 Pure Awareness"   - Deepak Chopra

"We are star dust."  - Deepak Chopra

"The space between thoughts is the soul.  Turn inward and bring your awareness to the 'listener' - that is the soul."  - Deepak Chopra

"We live in a culture of scarcity."  - Brene Brown

"I am enough."  - Brene Brown

Learning to drop my 20 ton shield has transformed my marriage, it's a practice.  Thank you.  - Self Talk

"Faking it is contagious."  - Brene Brown

"When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. [...] We dress rehearse tragedy, so we can beat vulnerability to the punch."  - Brene Brown

"Gratitude is a practice, not an attitude"  - Brene Brown

Ask your husband what you do when he thinks you are in uncertainty. - Question posed.

My journal is written with multi-colored pens,  I think it helps me focus on each point as it comes to me and inspires me.  I think today was a message and practice of self-love and forgiveness.  I messed up, yes, but I used my time to create more joy and understanding in my life.  

I choose (even though it's super hard at the moment) to let it go and use my day to best serve my goals.

Grieving and Forgiveness!

In an effort to live a more wholehearted life and manifest more love and maybe some Brene Brown friendship ;-) I am taking an online eCourse she is facilitating, based on her book "The Gifts of Imperfection."

The course is 6 weeks long and has 3 live Q&A's.  I've yet to catch one live, but the last Q&A is what I watched today.  It hit me really hard and opened me up!  I have very few regrets/grudges in my life.  But, the ones I do have are pretty major and create some hectic self talk.

"For forgiveness to happen, something must die." & "What had to die was the expectation that this person wouldn't hurt me."
- Brene Brown

Holy WOW!!

I had to, had to pause the video, grab my art journal and use those pages I accidentally skipped (there are no real mistakes, are there?!) to make what is pictured below.

Simply realizing that I was grieving my expectation of failure in the relationship really made me INSTANTLY move beyond the biggest hurtles I was holding onto.

I really want to make this whole entry bold, italicized, underlined, and HUGE font - it hit me that hard!

Then, I posted the page to Twitter (@FacilitatGrowth).  I knew I had to because the thought of sharing and not sharing it made my stomach roll in fear.  So, I did and it got FAVORITED!! I've never had a re-tweet or favorite at this time, so having 2 within an hour of posting this picture really gave me a boost.

Any-who, hopefully, this illuminates and speaks to you a fraction of the way it did to me!

LOVE!
~Shannon

Skewed Self Perception

I am not 100% sure what it is that I see in my minds eye when I think of myself.  I'm probably about 16 if I'm being honest, with different snap shots of myself blurred on top of it....

This internal perception of myself I know is off.  Here's why I know this to be a f.a.c.t.  I will sometime do a double take of others' pictures and wonder if that's a picture of myself.  Upon closer inspection, I realize that the picture is not of me and actually emphasizes one of the areas of my personal appearance that I dislike - acne, weight, posture, bad teeth, etc.

I did that just the other day.  I was on a Facebook page and they had a collage of members, I saw a picture of someone with glasses and crooked teeth.  The first thing I thought was, "Where did that picture of me come from and WHY is it on some random Facebook page?!"

It wasn't me, it was a nice picture of one of the page admins and their child.  I was so worried someone would see my crooked smile, I completely missed the child in the photo.

Here's the real kicker.  I haven't had a crooked smile in almost ten years.  However, the self-conscious 16 year old that lives in my mind is still stuck on that aspect of her appearance.  I am sure I have been doing these double takes my whole life, but it wasn't until recently that I actively started to notice what I was doing.

How do you heal that?!  Is it simply a matter of recognizing it so that way it will disappear?  I'm not sure, so this is what I did:

1.  I told myself that it wasn't me and it was OK that I thought it was, I am safe.
2.  I told that admin that she was beautiful (via my amazing mind powers) and applauded her courage to smile.
3.  I reminded myself again that it was OK for me to smile now and as a 16 year old girl.
4.  I smiled.  Like, really smiled at the amazing way my mind works to bring me to awareness.
5.  I took a drink of coffee, loved on my cat, and moved on.

I think that is a pretty good place to start.

Incremental Change

When I decide I want change in my life it usually comes with the tag of "like, yesterday!"  Example - "I want better posture, like, yesterday!"

I know this mindset is not totally unique to me.  Lots of people suffer like I do, especially in our day and age with instant gratification machines (AKA the internet connected computer).  Which leads to the following cycle:

"OOooohhh, change" → Unrealistic Goal for change (yesterday) → disappointment → "Never gonna change, why bother?" → "OOooohhh, change"

Sounds familiar, right?!  Well, here's my small little glimmer of hope.

My neighbor is going to school for message therapy, which means she gets homework.  This homework means she needs to work on someone to practice the new techniques she is learining.  I've been lucky to be one of her test subjects.  I get so excited for these free messages because they are not your typical relaxation message, she's learning how to retrain the patient's muscles.  She ends up talking through what she's doing with me so I learn an awful lot about my body's muscular and skeletal system.  It is really cool stuff!

Did I mention my upper body/arms are a wreck?!

I saw her in early November and we talked about posture.  My posture was atrocious.  We talked about it and she told me two things - 1. When you think about putting yourself in 'good' posture, don't raise your chin, push it back.  It will change how your spine and shoulders align.  2.  Make sure when you walk, you're not leaning forward.

Got it.  We also talked about my goal cycle, she laughed and said off hand, "Yea, I get that.  It's watching my kids that I remember to be as gentle with myself as I am with them about good habits."

Now, I know this isn't the first time I've heard such sage advice - stick with it and be gentle.  But man did it hit me that day.  So, for about 2 weeks I remembered to realign my chin while driving in the car.  After that, it was more about implementing 'good' posture when I thought about it.

I saw her 2 days ago and she couldn't get over how much my posture had changed.  I laughed because I knew it was better, but I didn't realize by how much.  Just trying over and over and being unattached to the outcome (I've tried to fix my posture before, so if I failed, oh well, nothing new) allowed me to keep with my little consistent change.  My posture is by no means perfect, but I find myself subconsciously aligning myself all day, especially while seated in front of a screen.

So today, I found myself leaning forward as I walked.  I self-corrected as soon as I recognized it without consciously realizing it.  I laughed to myself.  Change, when not setup to fail, really is possible!

Vision Board

Have you tried making a vision board?  It's harder than you'd think.  I made one in late 2012, while reading some great books about what visualization can do for your dreams.

I went to the library and grabbed a couple of magazines from the free/swap bins and came home ready to cut and glue my way to success.  First, magazines are full of junk.  Lots of advertisements that only sport logos and lots of text.  Don't these people know I am trying to create my dreams here?!  Second, glue sticks dry out... quickly.  Third, it's hard to put your dreams into a visual format when you're not super clear on what they are.

Nevertheless, I created something.  I proudly displayed it next to my desk.  I was well on my way to greatness!! 

Well, vision boards don't really work if you only make them.  It didn't help that I put it on my magnet board and almost immediately covered it up with other bits and pieces.  Now, if that's not my subconscious speaking, I'm not sure what is.  I was unclear on what I really wanted and I couldn't even place that fuzzy dream ahead of to-do lists.

Over a year later, I am talking with my good friend Teresa Powers and she shares that she was planning to do a vision board workshop.  "They don't work unless you do the self analysis first.  Vision boards aren't just pictures and glue sticks."

Needless to say, I jumped at the chance to take her workshop.  That workshop was.... AMAZING.  We did self analysis, guided visualizations, identified strengths and weaknesses, created action steps, and brought some awareness to mental blocks.  Only after doing all of that, did we start looking into creating a visual representation of the dream we were trying to clarify.

We also discussed why vision boards aren't magic.  They do not go out and do the work for you.  They do not grow legs and kick you in the behind when you're not going after what you want.  Vision boards are a great tool.  But, that's the key, they are only a tool.  Tools require an operator.

They also require energy, effort, and meditation.  I put a great deal of energy into mine and I look at it everyday.  I put away my old vision board, cleared the clutter from where my vision board was supposed to go, and even got it framed.  Now, nothing sits in front of it and it makes me smile every time I see it.  However, I have yet to really start meditating and visualizing with it.  That might just have to change today.

Here she is in all her glory.  What does yours look like?

What if Money Were No Object?

This is blatantly stolen from UpWorthy.

I think it's pretty awesome.

Alan Watts - What if Money Were No Object?  NorthStarNetworker.com

"Turn Around"

I had a light bulb moment in 2012.  I took this class.  It was 5 weeks long, with a teacher that had traveled the world, there were about 10 students.  On the first day the teacher said, "This class is intense.  It changes people.  SO, if you're not ready, withdraw.  Don't fight it.  When you're ready, you'll be in the class."

That's quite the disclaimer.  Well, it was true.

This class changed my life.  We did many exercises that helped me realize that what I wanted in life, was not present.  The class focused on making your goals align with your work.

I have always been the one who will be on the front line.  Fighting, fighting everything.  I was miserable at my job.  I was fighting the injustice of what was happening, every.day. Always fighting a battle I knew I couldn't conquer.  I was tired, burnt out, grieving what my job should have been (I didn't realize that until later), beating my head against the wall.  All day, everyday, without fail... killing myself.

Then, one day in class we were discussing our careers.  A couple people realized that their unhappiness at work was their own doing and their goals matched up with their career.  Some of us weren't as lucky.  One of the students who was in alignment with her goals and career said this:

"I used to beat my head against a wall.  So focused on what I was doing, I never realized I could turn around and take a different path and arrive where I wanted to go."

It was at this moment that I yelled, "TURN AROUND! OH MY GOD, I CAN JUST TURN AROUND!!"  I didn't realize I was yelling, but my light bulb not only went off, it lit the room.

A few months later, after finding some peace, I was forced to 'Turn Around' and move on from that job (read: I got fired, oops).  I've had several 'Turn Around' moments in my life.  Keeping that option open to my consciousness is a struggle, but maybe by releasing this energy and story, it can come back around to me more often.

Leading to Wholeness

I found my year's theme through a letter to myself, it is written out here.

"I get in random funks.  I think the world, my world (read my relationships) is unhappy and judging me.  It's exhausting.  I try to keep calm, not take it personally, all the things I know I should do.  It doesn't work as much as I'd like it to.  it's gotten better, but I'm impatient.  I want that elusive dream.  I have the misconception that once "it" is obtained there will be no more fear.  Then, over and over again, I realized I'm functioning out of fear.  Most of the time, instead of being that bright moment where I re-align myself, I just want to give up!

Ah, to be dumb!!  To go back to being happy due to my huge blind spots.  To get mad, find a solution, and move on.  NOW, I realize that my 'solution' is a band-aid and what I'm truly mad about is my lack of control, one more face of fear.  Oh to be unaware.

All of this self-discovery, "doing the work" is .... terrifying!  Why?  Why does it have to be so damn hard?  Where's my bliss moment, the sky opens up and rains answers??  Then, I think, "Stop trying.  Read a silly book, watch TV.  numb (as Brene Brown would say)  It's hard.  If you evolve too much you'll loose your comfy life.  Eeek! Go grab a snack!"

Then, a glimmer shows up.  I hear something like Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) tell Oprah, "Whatever's in your head is your mantra... maybe you should change your mantra!"  The thought, "I am whole" crosses my mind.  I think "I am whole" is a wonderful mantra.  Remembering to keep an dmaintain my new mantra will be challenging, but maybe it's enough to keep me on the path.

Maybe."

Whole

Gretchen Rubin posted in her great blog about how she creates her year.  She grabs a theme.

My theme is wholeness.

I am whole.

"I am whole."  To me this means that I am continuing my path.  I already have the seed, sapling of my dreams.   I already create opportunities to Facilitate Growth.  I am grateful for the abundance in my life, in my marriage, with my family, in all aspects of my life.

This is my year, 2014 will be a year where I try to focus on being and continuing to be whole.

What's your theme?

I am whole.