Communication & Work Style

It took me two years to finally get everything set for the launch of my first major training event.

It had taken me around a year and a half just to get the presenters I wanted to sign a contract and then to start the collaboration process.  I started with such gusto that it was a little hard for those around me to not strangle me as I set about crafting an event that would help propel my profession in an even better direction.  I was an excited and gung-ho nuisance to everyone I knew - whether they were involved in my profession or not.

The last 6 months have been an adventure to say the least, full of excitement, ups & downs, and challenges I couldn't even know that I would face!  I've learned so much about time management and deadlines that's its almost shocking.  I've learned even more about making assumptions about other people's work styles.  A talented leader in my professional community said to me (as she took office of my state chapter) "I don't believe in personality conflicts, they are communication and work style conflicts."  Dora is an accomplished leader and I look forward to more and more nuggets of wisdom.

This struck me in a very powerful way.  You see, at this point I had started to stumble a little.  Tripping on things I didn't even know existed.  Facing challenges I couldn't have known I would confront in such a new and exciting endeavor.

I've also done a lot to become be a better leader.  I've read books, man!  I was under the false impression that I wouldn't/couldn't be stumbling on these kinds of road blocks.  I should be rocking it out and everyone should be impressed. I already knew how reframing something can change your perspective, but taking a look at the challenges I was/am facing putting together this event, I was feeling a bit lost.  I was taking everything personally and just got stuck in a slow moving downward spiral of frustration and anger.

Dora is totally right, very few people set out to be disruptive or frustrating - and if that's truly their intent, kick them to the curb.  We all make assumptions about a collaborator's work style and communication preference.  It's all part of the human condition.  So, with that beautiful tid-bit in mind, I was able to refocus and reignite my passion for this wonderful event.  With this reframe in mind, I've started putting out the right energy and feeling all of that excitement again.

I'm happy to say that I'm selling tickets to the event and it looks to be a country wide gathering of leaders in my field.  And I did that.... with some pretty amazing help and wisdom.

Post Vacation Musings

Vacations are great.  I look forward to my 2 weeks in Michigan with family every year with a great deal of excitement.  I just got back and this year could have been like every year before it, but it wasn't.

You know how it goes, you arrive - "I've got plenty of time to see everyone and do all of these really cool things!"

Then it's 2 days before you leave - "How... what the.. How'd it even get this far into vacation and I haven't done x, y, z OR that coffee date with Suzy."

I live 1,200 miles from my immediate family.  My husband's family is just as far away.  We very much adore our lives here in (amazing) Colorado, but it can be challenging.  Only seeing family once a year - showing up every year and things are just a little different, a little older, just enough to be noticeable in subtle ways.  Sadness as you leave, realizing it's going to be 320 days before you can get another in person hug again.  Then, you get home and hit the ground running.

This year I decided to do my vacation a little differently, less sad and more joy.  As Brené Brown points out, a common human experience is to forebode joy.  We feel happy and as soon as we realize it, we back out of that great feeling - worried that it will quickly and possibly sadly come to an end.  Just having an awareness of this phenomena (which I am SUPER guilty of sliding into) has changed how I experience small joyful moments in my life.  Allowing those precious moments to last longer, taking a beat to recognize when I am in fact foreboding joy.  In general relaxing into the everyday joy of life, not trying to avoid the highs and lows of emotion.

I've been practicing recognizing when I forebode joy.  Then, vacation with my family was upon me.  I knew this was the time to really practice recognizing when I was foreboding joy and lean into the moment.  Those little moments that really show the kind of people I have in my family:

- On the back of Dad's motorcycle - dancing
- Driving to work with my Mom - just talking
- Going to the movies with my Brothers - just being kids
- Sitting on the back porch, sipping coffee
- Getting in the freezing pool even though it's freezing
- Chinese food - with my best friend
- Seeing everyone smile

This year, those tiny moments would feel joyful, then I would start to feel sad.  I paused, accepted the sadness and miraculously that sadness left and a wave of appreciation for the moment emerged.  I am so grateful for those little moments with my family, they make vacations feel safe, secure, loved.

The goal is to take this practice into my daily life, so by the time next year roles around I can start to amplify my joy.

Relax into it.

What does all of this struggle and frustration teach me? Big question, little answer.

I am putting on a $10,000 event. It's kind of a huge deal. I'm bringing in a presenter team that is known around the country for their work in my field and for their work as spiritual growth leaders for my profession. I pursued them for a year and a half.

I got them. They're coming in October. And I have never been so frustrated in my entire life. It feels like one frustration after another has come up and I'm doing my very best not to burn this bridge (burning bridges is my superpower) and keep a cool head. I'm in this path of trying to find personal growth, a dose of enlightenment. And it's been killing me that I keep running into road blocks.

I keep catching glimpses of the lessons I'm meant to learn... "don't rush it" "keep the big picture in mind" "Breathing is necessary."

Then, I was listening to Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love  and he's basically talking about re-framing your experiences and he says, “What if this was a gift? What if this is necessary what if actually all this crazy stuff going on is an answer to my deepest prayer?”

That hit home for me in a big way. I've been trying to keep all of the things I've learned in the forefront of my mind. I've told several people, "I can't wait to do the next one, I've learned so much!" However, I'm not sure I'd gotten to the point of "THIS whole experience is meant to fall out this way. Relax into it."

That's my simple answer - relax into it. The thing is, I come to this same answer over and over and over and over and over again. But, each time I go a little deeper, understand it a teensy bit more than the time before. Sometimes that answer will flat out blindside me. It is, however, forward motion.

So, what experience can you relax into?

The simplest rule to improve productivity - The One Minute Rule!

What can you do in 1 minute?

I read and adored Gretchin Rubin's The Happiness Project.  If you've not read it, I highly suggest it.  The book documents Gretchin's journey to up her happiness - through awareness and effort.  She did bunches and bunches of research and then mapped out one year of activities to take her base-level happiness (which was at a very healthy level) even higher.

One of the activities she created early in her year was her One Minute Rule - if you can do something in less than 1 minute - DO IT!  Don't put it off.  Gretchin started with making her bed, a keystone habit (great place to start doing research on habit formation, by the way) that propelled her onto doing small changes that made her life a bit happier.

I do my best to live with this rule in mind.  I am a natural procrastinator and clutter easily becomes background to me; I don't see clutter after 24 hours.  This small but profound shift can easily spark me on to more and more productivity.  This little trick is how I get the dishes done - "I can unload the dishwasher in 1 minute - do it!"  Then,  I will automatically load, BAM!  The dishes are done.

My home is a little bit cleaner, a bit neater.  Then, when it needs to be really straightened up  I don't spend twice as much time cleaning (throwing away paper plates, putting my 17 ga-gillion coffee cups in the sink, all the little things that get under your skin).  I get to start off in a bit easier place, avoiding a week's worth of small bothers - no clean forks, knowing where the remote is, finding clean underwear... you get the picture.

Added bonus - my husband hates clutter!  Keeping this rule in mind helps create a calmer space for the man in my home who I happen to really like.  He notices that things are tidier and he's happier, more willing to do small household chores.  Win-win.

List a bunch of activities you can do in 1 minute.  Keep this list in an easy place and use it to take care of little things.  I suggest the front screen of your smart phone.  Every time you open your phone and waste time, you have the reminder (and option) to accomplish a small productive task.

Ask 5 people - "What are my gifts?"

I enrolled in Marie Forleo's BSchool.  It was/is a marvelous, ridiculous, hella hard experience, but worth every moment.  EVERY MOMENT.

One of the exercises was to ask 25 people to describe what your gifts are.  TWENTY-FIVE!  I set up a SurveyMonkey and sent out 25 terrifying emails asking for three words that describe me/my gifts.  These 3 words didn't have to be 'positive' or 'nice.'  They had to be authentic and accurate.  I took the top 5 words and let them inform my decisions as I worked through BSchool.

The response wasn't 100%, but the answers were amazing, authentic, and breath-taking.  I couldn't believe some of the responses that were given.  It brought me to tears.  AND to top it all off - 5 people responded in under 10 minutes.  People were chomping at the bit to tell me what they thought of me.  It was a liberating experience.  It brought me up - even higher - than I already was.  Setting a benchmark that I wasn't even aware of for self-awareness and self-love.

I challenge you to do the same.  You can even start with 5 people, ask - "What are my gifts?"

Blogging is hard ;)

So, I struggle with doing much on a regular basis.  Blogging not excluded.

Then I realized that one of the blogs I follow (Gretchen Rubin) sometimes has lengthy updates and SOMETIMES, it's not much longer than a Facebook post....

Here it goes, Facebook sized:

I am super excited about my upcoming conference in October.  I also just wrapped up my first book club and I know what book to do next (authored by the talented Gretchen Rubin, btw), I am always surprised by how easy and hard my marriage is, and last but not least.... The eCourse I am taking hosted by Brene Brown and Oprah is kicking my butt and making me take notice of more in my life.  I am pleased :)

Just a short note!

I just realized that by focusing on Coaching that my other business is expanding in the direction I wanted with little effort on my part.

Have I finally learned detachment?  More than likely, I have simply been less obsessive.

Either way, I just wanted to let the world know that because I have been focusing on Coaching, my other business (which also facilitates growth, but for a very small and specific niche) is growing and I sent out my first email blast for an upcoming workshop I am hosting and booked another, without killing myself.

This feels very natural and easy.  I think this is what I am striving to achieve with Coaching.  Maybe I can learn a lesson from myself and work on letting things be without stressing.... we'll see how that goes....

Thanks Universe, you're keeping this girl pretty happy!!

Skewed Self Perception

I am not 100% sure what it is that I see in my minds eye when I think of myself.  I'm probably about 16 if I'm being honest, with different snap shots of myself blurred on top of it....

This internal perception of myself I know is off.  Here's why I know this to be a f.a.c.t.  I will sometime do a double take of others' pictures and wonder if that's a picture of myself.  Upon closer inspection, I realize that the picture is not of me and actually emphasizes one of the areas of my personal appearance that I dislike - acne, weight, posture, bad teeth, etc.

I did that just the other day.  I was on a Facebook page and they had a collage of members, I saw a picture of someone with glasses and crooked teeth.  The first thing I thought was, "Where did that picture of me come from and WHY is it on some random Facebook page?!"

It wasn't me, it was a nice picture of one of the page admins and their child.  I was so worried someone would see my crooked smile, I completely missed the child in the photo.

Here's the real kicker.  I haven't had a crooked smile in almost ten years.  However, the self-conscious 16 year old that lives in my mind is still stuck on that aspect of her appearance.  I am sure I have been doing these double takes my whole life, but it wasn't until recently that I actively started to notice what I was doing.

How do you heal that?!  Is it simply a matter of recognizing it so that way it will disappear?  I'm not sure, so this is what I did:

1.  I told myself that it wasn't me and it was OK that I thought it was, I am safe.
2.  I told that admin that she was beautiful (via my amazing mind powers) and applauded her courage to smile.
3.  I reminded myself again that it was OK for me to smile now and as a 16 year old girl.
4.  I smiled.  Like, really smiled at the amazing way my mind works to bring me to awareness.
5.  I took a drink of coffee, loved on my cat, and moved on.

I think that is a pretty good place to start.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of those overly simplified topics.  As if forgiveness were easy and as soon as you mastered it, you sprout a halo and a choir follows you everywhere you go, singing of your humble nature.

Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a quality to strive for, but we often "give away" forgiveness, when we should keep it. What I mean is, it is easy (read easier) to run around and forgive others their transgressions against us and totally ignore our need to forgive ourselves.  We are the only species in the world that holds onto our own mistakes and dwells on them. My cat certainly doesn't beat himself up for his goofs as a kitten....why then do I belabor my childhood wrongs?!

Self-forgiveness is a far harder characteristic to develop than we realize. It is only when we get honest about the things we haven't forgiven ourselves for that we can truly forgive others.  (And finally get that schnazy choir to follow us around.)

I suggest that we be selfish about forgiveness for a while. Spend that currency on ourselves. Over indulge, go buck wild. See how light it feels to spend some energy on ourselves, letting some of that baggage go.

Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect.

Incremental Change

When I decide I want change in my life it usually comes with the tag of "like, yesterday!"  Example - "I want better posture, like, yesterday!"

I know this mindset is not totally unique to me.  Lots of people suffer like I do, especially in our day and age with instant gratification machines (AKA the internet connected computer).  Which leads to the following cycle:

"OOooohhh, change" → Unrealistic Goal for change (yesterday) → disappointment → "Never gonna change, why bother?" → "OOooohhh, change"

Sounds familiar, right?!  Well, here's my small little glimmer of hope.

My neighbor is going to school for message therapy, which means she gets homework.  This homework means she needs to work on someone to practice the new techniques she is learining.  I've been lucky to be one of her test subjects.  I get so excited for these free messages because they are not your typical relaxation message, she's learning how to retrain the patient's muscles.  She ends up talking through what she's doing with me so I learn an awful lot about my body's muscular and skeletal system.  It is really cool stuff!

Did I mention my upper body/arms are a wreck?!

I saw her in early November and we talked about posture.  My posture was atrocious.  We talked about it and she told me two things - 1. When you think about putting yourself in 'good' posture, don't raise your chin, push it back.  It will change how your spine and shoulders align.  2.  Make sure when you walk, you're not leaning forward.

Got it.  We also talked about my goal cycle, she laughed and said off hand, "Yea, I get that.  It's watching my kids that I remember to be as gentle with myself as I am with them about good habits."

Now, I know this isn't the first time I've heard such sage advice - stick with it and be gentle.  But man did it hit me that day.  So, for about 2 weeks I remembered to realign my chin while driving in the car.  After that, it was more about implementing 'good' posture when I thought about it.

I saw her 2 days ago and she couldn't get over how much my posture had changed.  I laughed because I knew it was better, but I didn't realize by how much.  Just trying over and over and being unattached to the outcome (I've tried to fix my posture before, so if I failed, oh well, nothing new) allowed me to keep with my little consistent change.  My posture is by no means perfect, but I find myself subconsciously aligning myself all day, especially while seated in front of a screen.

So today, I found myself leaning forward as I walked.  I self-corrected as soon as I recognized it without consciously realizing it.  I laughed to myself.  Change, when not setup to fail, really is possible!

Little Perception Changes

A Course in Miracles says a miracle is "a shift in perception." These little miracles happen all the time, if only we pay attention so that we can see them.

I had a change in perception the other day. I had decided to take an eCourse. This course requires an art journal. I've never had one of those before, but knowing the paper weight requirements, I went to two different art supply stores with my coupon in hand. I could envision what I wanted. I was ready to spend my $20. Except, I couldn't find my art journal!

I had plenty of options, but none of them fit what I wanted. I was close to settling several times. I stopped myself, "I know what I want! Don't settle, you will find it!"

During all of this I was framing some pictures for our home and I needed to have a few blown up.  While picking up these (fabulous) pictures, I decided to poke around and see if I could find the art journal I was looking for.  I didn't feel like I would find it, but I knew to look.

Sure enough, I found exactly what I was looking for!  I checked the price and low and behold it was cheaper than what I would have paid at the art supply store with my coupon.

I smiled and said a little "thank you" out into the universe.  

As I checked out, the art journal was half of what I thought it was!  How exciting!! That's a 75% or more savings, which made me a little giddy!

It was at that point, in my car with my big geeky smile, I realized that this is my 'miracle.'  Instead of taking this experience for granted, I stopped and really appreciated it.  These little moments happen to me all the time and the more I recognize them and appreciate them, the better my days, weeks, and moths go.

(The picture turned out really nice as well!)

Vision Board

Have you tried making a vision board?  It's harder than you'd think.  I made one in late 2012, while reading some great books about what visualization can do for your dreams.

I went to the library and grabbed a couple of magazines from the free/swap bins and came home ready to cut and glue my way to success.  First, magazines are full of junk.  Lots of advertisements that only sport logos and lots of text.  Don't these people know I am trying to create my dreams here?!  Second, glue sticks dry out... quickly.  Third, it's hard to put your dreams into a visual format when you're not super clear on what they are.

Nevertheless, I created something.  I proudly displayed it next to my desk.  I was well on my way to greatness!! 

Well, vision boards don't really work if you only make them.  It didn't help that I put it on my magnet board and almost immediately covered it up with other bits and pieces.  Now, if that's not my subconscious speaking, I'm not sure what is.  I was unclear on what I really wanted and I couldn't even place that fuzzy dream ahead of to-do lists.

Over a year later, I am talking with my good friend Teresa Powers and she shares that she was planning to do a vision board workshop.  "They don't work unless you do the self analysis first.  Vision boards aren't just pictures and glue sticks."

Needless to say, I jumped at the chance to take her workshop.  That workshop was.... AMAZING.  We did self analysis, guided visualizations, identified strengths and weaknesses, created action steps, and brought some awareness to mental blocks.  Only after doing all of that, did we start looking into creating a visual representation of the dream we were trying to clarify.

We also discussed why vision boards aren't magic.  They do not go out and do the work for you.  They do not grow legs and kick you in the behind when you're not going after what you want.  Vision boards are a great tool.  But, that's the key, they are only a tool.  Tools require an operator.

They also require energy, effort, and meditation.  I put a great deal of energy into mine and I look at it everyday.  I put away my old vision board, cleared the clutter from where my vision board was supposed to go, and even got it framed.  Now, nothing sits in front of it and it makes me smile every time I see it.  However, I have yet to really start meditating and visualizing with it.  That might just have to change today.

Here she is in all her glory.  What does yours look like?

What if Money Were No Object?

This is blatantly stolen from UpWorthy.

I think it's pretty awesome.

Alan Watts - What if Money Were No Object?  NorthStarNetworker.com

Perspective

Accidents have a way of putting the world and your own problems into perspective.

My cousin was in a car accident and while eventually she will be ok, it is still scary. A broken collar home, broken sternum (not sure I spelled that right), torn spleen, punctured lung, and internal bleeding. Her husband was driving and was T-bones, suffering from a neck injury. At first they thought he'd broken his neck.

Luckily their baby was with someone else. It was a freak accident. Some older woman blew through stop sign.

Stop signs have freaked me out twice thus far this morning.

Immediately, it puts your mind on edge, sending prayers and good vibes into the universe for them.  You're grateful they're alive, that the baby wasn't in the car. It could have been worse, her husband could be paralyzed.

Then, sure as the sunrise, morning comes and I'm overcome with my own concerns. I know that's a basic human response, but it sucks that I can be so self centered.

So, how does one keep that feeling of outward hope and awareness. Is it as simple as reminding yourself that this beautiful morning is a blessing?

Let's hope so.