Thoughts for Sunday Morning

I was invited to one of my closest friend's Baby Dedication this morning.  I wanted to go for her, but I didn't want to go because I enjoy my leisurely Sunday mornings, I tend to get a lot of work or fun done.

I missed it.  I missed it because I wasn't paying attention (and maybe my subconcious orchestrated the leisurely Sunday I was hoping for....).  I relied on my phone to update with Daylight Savings Time and for whatever reason it did not.  Now, I feel like a real jerk.  Like, A HUGE JERK.  I missed something that was important for a person who is important in my life.

I paced around the house swearing up a streak as I realized it was 10:30 and not 9:30, so the event had started over half an hour ago.....

I stopped myself and said, "That's it.  You will explain what happened to your friend, she will be hurt, but will understand and forgive you.  Work on forgiving yourself."

I walked to my husband, kissed him and silently apologized for angry ranting for the past 10 minutes, made breakfast, and sat down with Super Soul Sunday - looking for some inspiration.

As always, I found it almost instantly and here are the notes I wrote in my journal from this morning.

March 9, 2014

"Reserve your energy for your highest and best use."  - Bishop T.D. Jakes

Breathe in the discomfort, allow it to be.  Don't judge it, recognize it and acknowledge it.  Be grateful for the experience, it is leading you to the next step.  - Self Talk

"Contracted Awareness

 Expanded Awareness   ->  ME, some of the time

 Pure Awareness"   - Deepak Chopra

"We are star dust."  - Deepak Chopra

"The space between thoughts is the soul.  Turn inward and bring your awareness to the 'listener' - that is the soul."  - Deepak Chopra

"We live in a culture of scarcity."  - Brene Brown

"I am enough."  - Brene Brown

Learning to drop my 20 ton shield has transformed my marriage, it's a practice.  Thank you.  - Self Talk

"Faking it is contagious."  - Brene Brown

"When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. [...] We dress rehearse tragedy, so we can beat vulnerability to the punch."  - Brene Brown

"Gratitude is a practice, not an attitude"  - Brene Brown

Ask your husband what you do when he thinks you are in uncertainty. - Question posed.

My journal is written with multi-colored pens,  I think it helps me focus on each point as it comes to me and inspires me.  I think today was a message and practice of self-love and forgiveness.  I messed up, yes, but I used my time to create more joy and understanding in my life.  

I choose (even though it's super hard at the moment) to let it go and use my day to best serve my goals.

Skewed Self Perception

I am not 100% sure what it is that I see in my minds eye when I think of myself.  I'm probably about 16 if I'm being honest, with different snap shots of myself blurred on top of it....

This internal perception of myself I know is off.  Here's why I know this to be a f.a.c.t.  I will sometime do a double take of others' pictures and wonder if that's a picture of myself.  Upon closer inspection, I realize that the picture is not of me and actually emphasizes one of the areas of my personal appearance that I dislike - acne, weight, posture, bad teeth, etc.

I did that just the other day.  I was on a Facebook page and they had a collage of members, I saw a picture of someone with glasses and crooked teeth.  The first thing I thought was, "Where did that picture of me come from and WHY is it on some random Facebook page?!"

It wasn't me, it was a nice picture of one of the page admins and their child.  I was so worried someone would see my crooked smile, I completely missed the child in the photo.

Here's the real kicker.  I haven't had a crooked smile in almost ten years.  However, the self-conscious 16 year old that lives in my mind is still stuck on that aspect of her appearance.  I am sure I have been doing these double takes my whole life, but it wasn't until recently that I actively started to notice what I was doing.

How do you heal that?!  Is it simply a matter of recognizing it so that way it will disappear?  I'm not sure, so this is what I did:

1.  I told myself that it wasn't me and it was OK that I thought it was, I am safe.
2.  I told that admin that she was beautiful (via my amazing mind powers) and applauded her courage to smile.
3.  I reminded myself again that it was OK for me to smile now and as a 16 year old girl.
4.  I smiled.  Like, really smiled at the amazing way my mind works to bring me to awareness.
5.  I took a drink of coffee, loved on my cat, and moved on.

I think that is a pretty good place to start.

Perspective

Accidents have a way of putting the world and your own problems into perspective.

My cousin was in a car accident and while eventually she will be ok, it is still scary. A broken collar home, broken sternum (not sure I spelled that right), torn spleen, punctured lung, and internal bleeding. Her husband was driving and was T-bones, suffering from a neck injury. At first they thought he'd broken his neck.

Luckily their baby was with someone else. It was a freak accident. Some older woman blew through stop sign.

Stop signs have freaked me out twice thus far this morning.

Immediately, it puts your mind on edge, sending prayers and good vibes into the universe for them.  You're grateful they're alive, that the baby wasn't in the car. It could have been worse, her husband could be paralyzed.

Then, sure as the sunrise, morning comes and I'm overcome with my own concerns. I know that's a basic human response, but it sucks that I can be so self centered.

So, how does one keep that feeling of outward hope and awareness. Is it as simple as reminding yourself that this beautiful morning is a blessing?

Let's hope so.