Hobbies

In an effort to de-clutter my brain, I told a good friend my woes of riding the Crazy Train from last post.

She laughed at me and said I needed a hobby. I agree, that's why I have a whole room full of hobbies, it is called my craft room. As of late, it is a crap-catch-all room. I have boxes full of unfinished projects. BOXES!!

I really need to clean up in there and get into some of those projects. I normally start a project and then find myself bored or, more likely, overly worried about the outcome. And then BAM, I'm sitting in the living room with my pacifier, also known as the TV.  I know that's silly, but that's kinda the reality.

I'm considering going all out house wife. I generally fight the typical male/female roles in the home because, well to be honest, because I don't want to appear weak. Again, silly, I know.  Maybe that will help slow the crazy train down...?

I know cleaning house isn't a hobby, but it sure would be nice to live in a clean home. Our house isn't dirty, it is just lived in looking.  Plus, there's always dishes in the sink.  And as of this morning, I am out of coffee mugs.

Plus, the garden will be done soon, so that will be another hobby-ish activity in my life.

Maybe I'll get some house plants....

Crazy Train

When you feel like someone is hiding something from you, how are you supposed to handle that? It doesn't really matter what they do, it just feeds into your... Mistrust? Judgments? Misgiving? Frustration.

They (those really smart people) say "you see what you are inside reflected back to you in others." So, how does that really play out? Does it mean I am hiding something? Does it mean I am untrustworthy? Paranoid?
Tonight I just couldn't let it go. I couldn't, I tried. Then, it all bubbled up. "I'm not sure I trust you. I don't think you're sorry, etc."

Back story to the bubbling up moment:
My husband went out with buddies two nights ago. I was going to pick him up afterwards. Well, my phone wouldn't work and I couldn't reach him to see if he was ready to be picked up. So, I left to go pick him up at the bar estimating I would get there right at closing. Except, he wasn't at the bar. He was at his friend's house. I know this man and his wife, vaguely. I don't know where they live. No clue.

Now, I'm upset because I was sure he knew that be was going to end up at their place and didn't think enough of me to let me know. Plus, had I shown up at the bar and he wasn't there, I would have lost it. I finally got through to him, 5 min before I got to the bar. He had tried calling several times (ditto on my end), but couldn't get through. Those calls started once he'd been at his friend's house for over an hour.

Two days later I'm still miffed, but he's perky and tells me that they pre-gamed at this friend's house and that his wife drove them to the bar and then picked them up. Which infuriated me. Why would they call her to pick them up, if I.was.supposed.to?

So, I tell my husband I've got some trust issues around that. He doesn't like it or understand where I'm coming from. After some more "discussion" he says I'm treating him like a child, which I was and he doesn't like or need that kind if babysitting. We rarely drink apart, so I can only assume he acts the same way in every drunk situation, which can be very childish and always overly amorous.

So, then it hits me. I'm upset that I didn't get the attention I normally due from drunk husband. That coupled with a few recent fights is what sent me over the edge.

I have my minor epiphany, but now he's mad. So, I've ruined both of our nights because I can't seem to figure this all out internally, so I sound like a nut job.

Now, I'm over it, he's not and I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm kidding myself with this whole journey to being a better person. It's seriously starting to feel painful.

On the whole my life is much more even then it has been in the last ten or so. That sounds really nice until you realize that it makes the valleys seem more extreme. I also feel like I'm missing the peaks. It makes me wonder if a tumultuous unaware state isn't more pleasant.

Ignorance is bliss?!

I'm frustrated that I know I fight less with my husband. I mean, we used to be volatile, not physically, but loud and mean. Not so much anymore. Especially when I decided to stop screaming about a year ago. I don't scream anymore, but I occasionally yell, but it is generally short lived. I also used to be waaaaaaaay more sarcastic. I now make a conscious effort to not be sarcastic and make sure I follow up statements that could be said sarcastically with, "I'm not being sarcastic."

I also heard on NPR, that research has shown that our brains become addicted to extreme feelings. That when we don't experience them, our brain will help create experiences that elicit those feelings. That's why teenagers are addicted to drama. And why apparently people like me are too....

Then, tonight, I didn't intend to fight (honestly, not my conscious intent), but we did. Not much of a fight really, but I felt so much better after I got mad.

I.sound.so.crazy, like I needed a hit off those old bad habits. I can feel myself wanting to be mad at him, but my brain is not keen on the idea, but damn if it doesn't feel good to be irritated and smug. Total crazy train.
I used to walk around unaware that was what I wanted or felt, just as surprised when I blew up as he was. How to break from that cycle? Apparently, awareness and a little effort aren't enough.

On top of it, I just want to blame my husband, get mad and be a crazy person for a few days. At least before I wouldn't have know it was coming, instead of trying to plan the crazy outburst at the most convenient time.
Guh, being an adult is hard and convoluted, as this post clearly demonstrates!

Another wave of fear...

"I am currently seeking government contracts."

This search was mostly in theory, making me feel good, like I was actually doing something worthwhile.....  Truth is, I haven't been doing much.  That is until now.  Now, I am in earnest drafting bids for government contracting and I am nearly immobilized by fear.

"Fear of what?"  I hear you ask.....

"I haven't a clue" is the simple answer.  "I am afraid of looking silly and failing" is the more complete and honest answer.

In reality I know that no one outside of me cares if I look silly.  Some nameless person will look at it, decide if it's what they want, and that is that.  It is done.  Supposedly, I will even get a call and they will tell me why I did not get the contract and how to make my next contract bid better.

In an effort to get over this fear I am going to do something I have heard a lot of guru's talk about:

Imagine the worst.

• The worst possible thing that could happen is that I could be black listed from all government contracts.
• This isn't actually that bad.  I have never had one, therefore, losing that as an opportunity is not going to negatively effect me currently.  It is a lose of potential income, not real income.
• I could lose the subcontractor position I currently have with a company I think is doing the government contracting in my area.
• I have no way of knowing this.  I know the company I am currently subcontracting through used to win these bids, but I am unable to find proof that the company is currently winning them.  
• If I were to lose my subcontracting position, well that would really suck.  Plain and simple.  However, I know of several companies looking for more subcontractors.  It's actually very odd that I only work for one company.  Most other people in my field subcontract with 3 or more companies.  
• This would force me to subcontract with other companies, expanding my horizons, and force me to work a little more diligently in getting my own contracts.
• I could not get the contract and everyone would find out what a loser I am.
• Most people don't care.  I have already crossed this bridge with bad internship experiences.  I still came out of it alive and learned way more than I ever imagined.  Plus, I still have friends, in and out of the field.
• I could win the contract and be unable to fill it.
• That's highly unlikely.  The contract is for a large facility with what seems like one consumer who would utilize my services.  Plus, they are looking to subcontract several companies to avoid this very problem. If I couldn't find someone to fill in, I could do it.  I could do this even if it meant calling into my current subcontracting company.  The company has a large pool and I could be easily replaced.  The likelihood of not being able to fill a job is minuscule.
• I am in direct competition with other companies and that makes me nervous.
• The reason it makes me nervous is because of the atmosphere other companies have created.  The companies hide behind their confidentiality agreements and have created a fierce atmosphere of competition that is wholly unnecessary.  There is more than enough work to go around, period.  That's something that I hate about my field.  It should be a collaboration and one of my goals is to improve my field by creating a collaborative base for all of us to pull from.  By being nervous I am perpetuating the thing and stereotype found in my field that I can not stand.  Being nervous makes me part of the problem, not the solution. Now that is silly!
• I am a huge success.
• Everyone profits from this.  I get to spread higher standards, employ my friends, make some money for myself, and create an environment I am proud of! 

That's everything I can think of and really, it isn't as bad as I thought (obviously).

I guess that means I can move ahead, without much fear.  Then, if it hits me again I can re-read this post.

I really need to do this more often.  Writing it all out really helped clear my head.  I think this should be a new habit for me.

Have you tried this technique yet?!

Get What You Pay For

In an effort to increase revenue for my job, I created a free website.

I just got back from an amazingly informative meeting where I learned that my website is not good, at all, AND that it is hosted on a pretty nasty server full of unmentionable sites.  Which means that, to Google, I am affiliated with such filth.

Moral of the story, free is not always worth it.

As much as I dislike rough experiences, I have learned to love them.  I have learned so much today that it's kind of crazy.  I would not have learned such valuable information if it weren't for my own snafu.

I know a year ago this would have sent me into a tail spin of frustration.  I'm barely heading that off as we speak, but I find myself doing deep breathes and trying to see what I can do to fix the situation.

That's right, I am looking for solutions.  Looking for solutions, instead of complaining about my problems is a new habit of sorts.

That's what's happening today.  Tomorrow will be filled with solution seeking for my website, what more could a girl ask for?

So, for now, the website I created looks pretty but is foreign to Google.  A site under construction is better than no site at all, right?!

Perspective

Accidents have a way of putting the world and your own problems into perspective.

My cousin was in a car accident and while eventually she will be ok, it is still scary. A broken collar home, broken sternum (not sure I spelled that right), torn spleen, punctured lung, and internal bleeding. Her husband was driving and was T-bones, suffering from a neck injury. At first they thought he'd broken his neck.

Luckily their baby was with someone else. It was a freak accident. Some older woman blew through stop sign.

Stop signs have freaked me out twice thus far this morning.

Immediately, it puts your mind on edge, sending prayers and good vibes into the universe for them.  You're grateful they're alive, that the baby wasn't in the car. It could have been worse, her husband could be paralyzed.

Then, sure as the sunrise, morning comes and I'm overcome with my own concerns. I know that's a basic human response, but it sucks that I can be so self centered.

So, how does one keep that feeling of outward hope and awareness. Is it as simple as reminding yourself that this beautiful morning is a blessing?

Let's hope so.

Self Care

I feel silly, but I am debating on whether or not to take a summer college course for fun.  Not a serious, Philosophy and the Northern Gnat Fly or anything.  Maybe a ceramics or art class.  A photography course would be neat - I love to scrapbook, but I never have enough photos!

Here's the dilemma  if I take a course, even if it's not for credit I would be giving up the opportunity to pick up freelance jobs. Plus, I know I will be out and about for most of July, so it seems irresponsible to be gone for so much of the course.

However, other than the copious amounts of tv I watch, I rarely do something long term for myself.  Plus, I've never taken a class for non-credit.  The money (less than $100) is a non-issue because I feel like the enjoyment I get from it would make up for it, but the opportunity cost for other work is high.  The classes are in the middle of the day.

I should go and talk to the professor and my husband, get their input.

I think I might see if I can take it as an observation, then I can play without being a hindrance to the teacher..... I guess I want to do this more than I realized.

Self care is one of those things that everyone harps on in my field, but no one ever does.  It's one of the reasons I try and read for pleasure, just to distance myself from my work.  I wonder what others do to take care of themselves....

Practice Love

I was listening to an audio book today and the phrase "practice love" leapt out at me.

I've heard this before. Many times!  I try vaguely to implement this philosophy in my life but, today, I think it might have clicked.

Now, I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to hate anyone, anymore.  I was probably 16 at the time. Why expend that kind of energy on someone that you can't stand?  It makes no sense.  Today I realized that,  while I am successful in not hating a person, I continue to hate that persons actions or what I perceive their transgressions against me to be.

In other words, I don't hate Bobette, I hate the fact that I feel like s/he abandoned me and didn't help me in the way I wanted.  That jerk!  There are two people in my life that fall into this category.  One more than the other.  I have thought that I didn't care, but recently I realized that I am harboring some pretty strong emotions that are limiting me.

These limitations are now so strong, I can not ignore them.  These feelings, which are like poison, have managed to manifest themselves in my life and make me sick!!  I am considering not living up to my potential for fear of dealing with these people.  How crazy is that?!  All the while I know, at the core of my being, that these people did all that they knew how to do.  Without those situations, I could not be in this moment right now.  And my moments, my present state, is pretty awesome.

So, while driving and having my minor epiphany I told them that I love them.  It's pretty freeing.  The farther I am from that moment, the less exhilarating it feels to love someone, despite their actions, but it is still there.

"I love you Bobette.  I wish you all the best.  I love you."

Letting go is not the easiest trick in the book, but I think it might be one of the most worthwhile.

How's that for a Wednesday morning?